We (I) Need Your Love!

Many of us were taught some version of the Golden Rule such as “Love Your Neighbor as Yourself.” The question is… how well do we love ourselves?

 

Self – Love

• What would happen in the world if more people knew their value and worth?
• If people loved themselves unconditionally, would there be more ease and joy?
• If we are all connected, would you LOVING YOU more be an invitation to me and everyone else on the planet to be more loving as well?? 

 

Conditional Love

As kiddos, we seek the love and approval of our parents and adults around us. Often the love and approval we receive may come with a few strings attached. Perhaps we saw scowls for being too loud and rambunctious, were grounded for not getting better grades, and compared to our siblings. Maybe we got in trouble for not playing the tuba as well as Billy or leaving our Barbie and Ken dolls naked on top of each other (anyone?).  Our Parents could have said “you’re a bad boy,” criticizing who we are rather than the action itself.
 

 

Over time, we internalize the critical voices we heard while growing up, often becoming much harsher critics of ourselves than of anyone else. Think about it… how often do you tell yourself something to the effect of: “That was so stupid of me!” or “You’re not good enough—who do you think you are?” Many of the things we say to ourselves we would never dare say to another person!  And yet we dialog with ourselves day and night in these harsh, harmful ways.
 
When self-love is conditional, it is often attached to some kind of achievement. For instance: “When I’m successful in my business, then I’ll feel good about myself.” “When I’m thinner, then I’ll really love myself.” “If Billy the excellent tuba player loves me, then I must really be a worthwhile person.” We wait for these outer signs of success only to come up with new criteria once we’ve achieved one of those goals.
 

Unconditional Love

Webster’s Dictionary defines unconditional love as “affection with no limits or conditions; complete love.”

We’ve been playing with this concept of expectations and comparison this week in The Limitless You group coaching series and there have been some huge breakthroughs! 

The truth is we are all unique beings, worthy of love just because. Just because we are here. Imagine looking at a group of babies and  saying, “Yes, this one deserves love; but no, that one doesn’t.”  It would be absurd to make that kind of assessment! And yet, we spend so much energy in comparing ourselves to others, wondering if we measure up enough to deserve love, success or the other “goodies” of life.

 

Instead of judging your achievements, your body, your face, or your life path…what if you could wholeheartedly accept all of yourself, including all the experiences you’ve had on your journey—the good, the bad and the in-between? You absolutely can…but it may take some practice.
 

Practicing Self-Love

If we haven’t had our great and unique value mirrored to us from early on in life, learning to love ourselves unconditionally needs to be practiced, just as anything else we want to learn. Here are some ideas for loving ourselves better.
 

Take time to listen deeply

On a daily or weekly basis, spend some time alone listening deeply to your true self—what do you really feel, think, desire? Learn to distinguish all other internal voices from your own true voice. Try journaling about what you’ve discovered.

Learn to recognize the critical, unloving voices.

We all have a whole array of “gremlins”, little voices inside us that mirror critical voices we’ve heard in our past or other people’s judgments that we are aware of.  The more you can quickly spot them and dismiss their influence, the better. For instance, when you hear the voice that compares you to someone else, choose to recognize it as a gremlin and let it go.  You may also want to imagine pouring magic water on it and seeing it dissolve like the evil, wicked witch. The more you can bring a sense of curiosity and lightness to this practice, the easier it will be.
 
Give yourself the loving care you’ve always wanted. 
Create practices that help you feel as loved and cherished as you deserve to be. Perhaps a hot bath by candlelight with music will feel wonderful to you. Or wearing your favorite clothes, or a hike to the top of the ridge with its clear, astounding view. Who knows? It’s only for you to decide what makes you feel good about you.
 

The mirror exercise 

You’ve heard of this… but have you ever done it?  Every day look into your eyes in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself unconditionally. Really connect with yourself through your eyes. It’s not a time to evaluate how you look or fix your hair. This is about really seeing into the depth of who you are, beyond the masks we show the world. 
 
What would occur if you gave yourself the love and appreciation you deserve? Tell yourself what you appreciate about you. This can be a very deep and moving practice. You can also use the mirror to bring loving attention to other parts of your body. For example, if you are often critical about your belly or your thighs, choose to spend some time really looking at that part of you and bring some love and appreciation to it.  For you courageous people that need a stretch goal feel free to do this in a public area; think gym, yoga studio, public restroom… 😉
 
So who’s up for way more self-love?! These practices can help you transform your relationship with yourself. And, when we are more kind, caring and loving to ourselves others will respond to that energetic invitation as well. And until we truly love ourselves, loving our neighbor will be conditional at best.
 Author’s content used under license, © 2008 Claire Communications

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Loving YOU in this moment.  Yes YOU, sweet fabulous you!